Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
