he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
