omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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