I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
