I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
