Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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