My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
