I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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