I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
