Heybabeimwearingurpanties
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
