i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
