The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
