I bet he comes in French.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
