So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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