the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
