i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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