i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
