Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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