I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
