New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
