what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
