i just sent this text using only my big toe
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
