i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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