1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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