This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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