It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
