I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
