walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
