I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
