i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
