grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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