At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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