She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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