Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
