I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
