woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
