I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
