i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
