God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
