He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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