I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i love accidental penises.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
