Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
