She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
