dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
