so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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