Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize