No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
