Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
