so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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