my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
