On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
