She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize