i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
