the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
