Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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