Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize