I got chris browned last night
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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