You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
