She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize